my son.

A few weeks ago I asked Mike, "Don't you just LOVE that little boy?" 

He responded, 

"Of course I love him. But, I dont know… that Bella… she's got my heart." 

I almost melted.

And barfed.

Sometimes Bella drives me to within an inch of my sanity as she has taken terrible 2's to a whole new level. I was caught off guard - I didn't see those words coming.

Before having my own kids, I wasn't convinced there was a definable bond between mothers and sons, or fathers and daughters. But let me tell you, seven months in of knowing my little boy Beau - there is. And it is so permeating, indulging, and just plain wonderful. 

A few weeks ago, I couldn't help but notice the small interactions between my husband and his only son, and feel a little let down. I guess I've just always had this picture in my mind of a strong bond between father and son and wanted to see it in action. Already? I know. Beau was only 6 months, but I still wanted it. When we found out we were having a boy I wanted to see Mike jump up and down with joy! Someone to fish with! Someone to play sports with! What father doesn't want a little boy? But in return I only got a small smile. What?!?! Aren't you so excited?! 

"Yeah of course! I've always wanted a son…..but am I going to be able to cuddle with him and love him like Bella? I just can't imagine. There's just nothing like a little girl."

Of course I want to watch my husband teach my son things, see them build and fix things together. See him welled up with pride at his son's accomplishments and to see my son seek the approval of his dad. Is this not every mother's dream? 

Just to watch my son watch my husband and to watch my husband watch my son. 

And to sit and know that I gave my husband this little boy, this little treasure. 

Not in a proud way, just a knowing way. 

And now that Beau is here I just want to see my husband show "the boy" (as his nickname has come to be) the same affection that I have for him. I don't love him more or less than Bella, but just differently. I believe the love for your sons and the love for your daughters is separate and necessary. Children need to be loved by both their mother and father, and I know God designed the marriage of a man and a woman perfectly.

The way I see Beau (my expectations and hopes, my idea, my attachment, my perception…) is different from Mike's. How can this be? We met him the same, came to know his face the same, to see his personality the same. Yet, this newborn is dependent on mama  … I'm his mother, and right now … he wants ME. He needs me. It makes me feel so loved. So wanted.  It is the feeling only a mother feels. Bella was a newborn once too, I haven't forgotten. It is a sudden realization of … wait a minute. I can't just do stupid things anymore .. I'm not just here for me …It's not about me. I've got this treasure who wants me there by his side. 

You know when babies just cry just to cry? All their physical & emotional needs are met, and they just cry to cry. When Bella did it … I could handle it. (surprising for a first child) I'd let her cry it out because I didn't want her thinking I'd run to her rescue at each peep she made. Then she'd cry all the time!!! No one wants a little spoiled girl, and I figured I'd start her out right. Life is tough for a girl… figured I'd better get her used to it right off the bat!

But with Beau, it's just not so easy for me. Maybe because he isn't a big complainer, and cries a lot less … but I don't know! He's just my boy - I can't stand to see him sad.

Because this baby's body was created within mine, I now can literally see 'being created in God's image' at work in my life. Jeremiah 1:5

'Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee…"

My physical, temporary body is able to create another person, another soul .. one that will last forever. A person to be loved and a soul to be saved by Christ. All because of our Lord. Wow, what a God we have to TRUST US with this ability! With this responsibility ... 

This connection between us and our children is not far from how we are bound to our creator. Yet, people continue to deny this feeling, this truth, this CREATOR. It is as unnatural as a newborn denying their mother.

They convince themselves that money can save them…
worldly things can save them….
they can save themselves…..
or even worse… they. don't. need. to. be. saved.

The crazy thought in my mind is : why deny the love, that undeserving grace?!! Why hold all the weight on your shoulders and figure it out yourself? I just can't wrap my mind around this. Why turn away from open arms that reach toward you and say "I love you my child. I've got great plans for you."

How can someone choose this world over eternity - this short life.

I want Beau to grow up strong and do good things. 

Great things I hope. Just as Christ wants for all of us. 

And I want to help, encourage and enable him any way that I can so he can know and love Jesus the way I do.

Of course I have the same hopes for Bella too.

I can barely believe it. When did this happen? I have a little man of my own to shape and mold into the kind of man a great woman would want to marry. 

The kind of man I grew up looking for. 

What an honor, and a responsibility God has bestowed upon me and 

one I do not take lightly. 

Boy. This boy. My boy. He has taken ahold of my heart and changed me from the inside out.